It was the first Write Side Down Day of 2015, and I’d just finished setting up the room.
I opened my Facebook app and posted about my excitement to reconnect with my amazing clients, smiling at all of the “What’s your resolution/intention for this year?” hype before exiting.
I have no idea what my intention is for this year, but it’s 7:45am. I have 15 minutes before they show up. Fifteen minutes is better than nothing.
I opened my music app, found my Yoga playlist, set my phone down, and dropped into Child’s Pose on my yoga mat.
Up onto my hands and knees, I began to breathe wake up my spine.
Buzz. Buzz. The text messages and phone calls lit up my screen. I slid my finger across…just to read them…while I stretched.
“Good morning, Love.”
“I’ll be there a little late, but I’m coming.”
“Be here…” The Wind whispered.
I pushed back into Downward Dog.
Buzz. Buzz. Upward Dog. Just a quick glance at the screen.
“Good morning, Mom.”
“I have to tell you what happened last night.”
“Be here…” The Wind whispered again.
It was like this for 15 minutes, until the end. I was seated with my eyes closed.
“Be here…” The Wind seemed a bit louder with my eyes closed and my hands over my heart.
Tears welled as I felt the potential impact of the call.
THIS is my intention for this year – To Be Here – wherever I am… totally… completely… undistracted… focused… present… here…
Little did I know what The Wind had planned for me to be here for…
3 Months Later
“How are you?” her early morning text made me smile.
How does she always know when I need some Love?
“I’m hanging in there, but I’m beginning to think I’ve been enlisted in The Wind’s Bootcamp.”
“Think about it. I basically haven’t slept in 4 weeks. I averaged about 3 hours a night at that retreat. I woke me up between 3 a.m. and 4 a.m. every morning for a few weeks for no apparent reason. Then I had loved ones show up on my doorstep, in breakdowns, and ended up talking, painting, and processing with them into the wee hours of the morning several nights in a row. Then Aaron got his 105 fever that lasted 3 nights. Then he broke his wrist. I haven’t had a regular night’s sleep or a regular day’s routine in a month! Even the caregivers’ routines shifted abruptly and I’ve had to cover for them…and…”
“Whew…” I could hear her taking a deep breath.
“Yeah…exactly. I’m doing okay…you know…given all this. In fact, I think I’m handling it pretty well. But I’m starting to feel like I’m in bootcamp. Maybe The Wind is conspiring to disrupt all of my normal patterns and routines and comforts so that I’ll be more open, more willing, more accepting of whatever is on the horizon.”
“Dang, what could that be?” she wondered.
“I don’t know, but if I’m right, it’s going to be a doozy.”
A few weeks later, I was in another country, hanging out with amazing people, pondering my next steps in business, and…getting very little sleep.
Then, a sleepless night in the airport on the way home.
Then, a few sleepless nights at home, trying to re-enter.
Then, finally, it emerged.
“(This) is what I want…” my Soul cried during an early morning meditation.
It was pretty much a Soul Earthquake. I didn’t believe it at first, but then The Wind connected all of the dots, to the point where I simply couldn’t argue with an idea that I would have called insane and run from not even 6 months ago.
“Hey…” I picked up my phone when the meditation ended.
“Morning,” she texted back quickly.
“Well, it was definitely The Wind’s Bootcamp. Check this out…” and I shared the vision I’d had in vivid detail.
“Dang…you never would have considered this before, you’re right. And how could you say NO to it after this? Wow.”
“Yeah, I know.” I gulped at the emotion bubbling.
I put the phone down and began to write, and it didn’t take long to see that “The Call to BE HERE” that I’d received on that yoga mat four months prior had much bigger implications than I could have imagined.
Stay in the room with Me.
Feel it all.
The pleasure. The pain.
The joy. The love.
The disappointment. The grief.
The dreams. The regrets.
Let go of “because this happened…”
Release “when this happens…”
Stop passing her in the hallway.
Close the computer. Put down the phone.
Remove the ‘do not disturb’ sign.
Her dimming eyes are windows into your next true intention.
Let her in.
Write her story.
Help her rewrite her tragedies to triumphs.
Replace her loneliness with unconditional love.
All of your best steps and mis-steps have prepared you for this.
Rewriting the legacy for you, for her, for them all.
This is your work.
But you are not alone.
And see the immediate nods of those who know you best.
The hands outstretched in support.
Into the Eyes of LOVE.
What does it mean?
By mid-June, I’ll be a full-time caregiver for my grandmother.
I’m not quite sure what this will mean for the business at this point.
I think I have to jump in and see what’s possible once I’m there.
But I do know that this is the next step of me living my Upside Down message.
If you’ve heard any of the interviews I’ve done in the last two years, you have likely noticed a theme of “not compromising what is most important to us (our health, our relationships, our soul’s integrity) for a dream of changing the world (writing a book, growing a business, etc.)…”
This is where the rubber meets the road, right?
It was okay for me to ‘pass her in the hallway’ while I was growing a business and healing/rewriting my stories, because I couldn’t have given her what she needed in my unhealed state. I was so upside-down, I had to go inward and take care of me first.
All of me.